No stitches, just platelets and will power
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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