You're my little dorito
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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