I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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