R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
