Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
