I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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