I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Randomize
