I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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