I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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