the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He? As in you personified your dick?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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