Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
do nipples grow back?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
