At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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