He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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