ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
