New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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