I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
