I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
