it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
