So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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