my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
