that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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