He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
