You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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