He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
