Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
