Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
