Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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