Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
