New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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