My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
