I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
