Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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