I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
