yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
The best revenge is premature balding
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
