the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
