i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
