Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
