I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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