i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
