I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
