sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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