remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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