I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
