well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
