my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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