she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize