Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
