So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
