I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
