i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I will pee on everything he values.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
