Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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