I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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