Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize