I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
