Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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